Sunday was a wonderful day as I got to see one of our former foster kids! Before we started our journey to international adoptions we were first foster parents. In the first five months we had 6 kids placed in our home. The last three were a sibling set and we had them for over 18 months. At one time we had our 4 bio kids and the three foster kids all under one roof and I was In HEAVEN!!!
The moment our three "little ones " as I reffered to them often was placed with us I TOLD God they were mine--but God had other plans for them and the more I pushed for them to be mine the more they weren't available to be. Once I finally surrendered to God's will for them and allowed God to show me where my child was He stepped in and paved the way for them to go to their forever home. IT was a very emotional time for both John and I as we were wanting to adopt and had these three kids that were available to adopt yet God kept saying NO! Once we met thier forever family we knew why God said no. He had plans for them and plans for us but thankfully those plans still involve seeing the "little ones". It had been a while since we saw any of them last and so Sunday was a treat as we got to be with "sissy". She is extremely close to our oldest daughter Ashton and spent the night with her and see her baby Lexie.
The flood of love and missing her was so real and strong but I have learned to not ask God "why not" after every time we are together. My heart towards them is as a mother even though we have agreed to by just "Aunt and Uncle" to them. At times I feel like a birth mom who had to choose "adoption" for her child. The flood of love and wanting them to have what you can't provide combined with the guilt of wanting to keep them even though you know it wouldn't be the best is just such a weird place to be. I clearly see how 'letting go" provided things for them that we could never( not material things but emotional plus the ability to handle some issues we could not have). It's fabulous to get to be with them and know what they are doing and seeing the joy in thier faces when we are together as it warms my heart and lets me know we did the right thing. I love these precious moments out of their life and it reminds me to write more to the birth moms of Colton and Braden even if they never go check the file. I want for these women to have the chance that I'm getting with my little ones. The chance to know what is going on and how they are doing.
It is the good bye though that brings the flood of missing once again. I know that I know they are where God wanted them to be and I was just the stepping stone to get them there. It's a slice of heaven when we are together and I treasure the moments.
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